Grindy and Dumbles
by Ariel-chan
Summary: A crackfic of Dumbledore battling Grindelwald. Lots of weird pairings. WARNINGS: Beastiality, implied incest, and random pop culture references


Crackfic written for HogwartsElite on Livejournal. Doesn't really have a title. 

Rating: R

Pairings: Dumbledore/Grindelwald, Aberforth/Wilfred, Grindelwald/Wilfred, Dumbledore/Wilfred

Warnings: Beastiality, implied incest, and random pop culture references

----

Albus Dumbledore and the wizard Grindelwald (who had a very embarassing first name he didn't like to admit to and so it has been lost to history, but was probably something like Tinkerbell or Noah) had been concealing their secret love for far too long. Dumbledore was ready to come out of the closet and admit that he and Grindelwald had been doing the nasty, and was preparing to admit this in front of the entire student body of Hogwarts when there was a loud knocking on his door.

"Who is it?" he lisped happily, straightening his rainbow pride robes (pun intended).

"It's your brother, goddamnit!" bellowed a voice right before the door swung open and crashed into the wall. Aberforth stood in the doorway, muscles rippling and gleaming in the lamplight, long flowing hair flowing all over the place. "He's gone!" he screamed.

"Who's gone, dearest?" Dumbledore asked, batting his eyelashes in practice for seeing his beloved later that night.

"Wilfred!"

"Well, he is a goat, brother darling. He probably wandered off to eat some garbage behind the pub," Dumbledore took a brush from the dresser and began the long process of brushing and styling his beard. "You should be able to sneak around in those back alleys and find him. You were a Slytherin, after all."

"You know I was only a Slytherin because I wanted to be a bartender," Aberforth stormed. "In the dark. And anyway, it was your damned boyfriend that stole my Wilfred!"

Dumbledore gasped and his brush clattered to the floor. "No! Not my Grindy!" He apparated instantly to just outside the door of Gindlewald's tiny secret cottage in the Forbidden Forest of Forbidden Love, from which he could hear mews of distress punctuated periodically with bleeting. Unable to restrain his rage, Dumbledore kicked the door down and caught Grindelwald red-handed in an act of carnal love with the goat who was pretty much his brother-in-law. "GRINDY!" Dumbledore cried in outrage.

"DUMBLES!" Grindelwald cried back, letting go of Wilfred in shock. The goat immediately ran off to a corner. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh my God, Grindy!" Dumbledore said, walking quickly toward his faithless lover, kicking kittens from his path with every step, and bitchslapped Grindelwald. "I ignored the fact that you were evil! I ignored it when you started killing kittens to raise a zombie kitten army! But this? That's my brother's goat, you sick fuck!"

"I can't help my nature," Grindelwald pleaded. "I'm just a huge manslut who wants to have sex with everything!" As he began to cry and Dumbledore embraced him, he signaled secretly to the inferi kittens, who rose up and began to nip at Dumbledore's legs. Dumbledore cried out in pain and then whistled a few bars of "Over the Rainbow".

Fawkes came swooping down out of the sky and into the cottage, breathing fire or something. I don't know, it's a phoenix. I think they can do that. Anyway, he roasted the zombie kittens all toasty and then ate them and flew off, so now it was just Dumbledore, Grindelwald, and Wilmer squaring off in the cottage.

"We can't do this anymore, Grindy-poo," Dumbledore said, a determined look on his face. "I'm breaking up with you in the only way I can," he ripped off his rainbow pride robe, revealing a white gi underneath. "With kung fu!"

Grindelwald ripped off his robes as well, then looked rather embarassed for a second because he was starkers underneath, but charged at Dumbledore anyway.

There was lots of kicking and punching and they flew around the room in a big cloud of lighning-fast attacks and dodges like on that one anime series with all the balls until finally Grindelwald pulled out his wand from a special concealed pocket.

"Ew," said Dumbledore. "I'm sooo never touching that again." Then he whipped out his own wand from within his gi and pointed it at Grindelwald. A long green light buzzed out from the tip. Grindelwald held his wand in the same way and produced a thin red light of his own. "I see your wand is as big as mine," Dumbledore said, "But it will not save you!"

They jumped at each other and their light-swords collided and buzzed a lot but didn't falter. They both jumped back, then charged each other again and fought in a flurry of pretty lights that would induce seizures in anyone watching. Finally, Dumbledore jumped on top of a table and cut off both Grindelwald's arms, followed by all three of his legs.

Grindelwald lay in a mess of blood on the floor, twitching and dying as Dumbledore started to cry. "I LOVED YOU!" he sobbed. "I LOVED YOU LIKE I WAS BLIND AND YOU WERE MY BROTHER WHO I HAD SEX WITH A LOT, KIND OF LIKE MY REAL BROTHER!"

Then Grindelwald died and Dumbledore jumped down from the table and looked over at Wilmer, who was eating a book. "I don't see what's so great about you, anyway," Dumbledore said, walking over and grabbing the goat by the halter. "Hmmm…"

He took off his pants.


End file.
